Why Having Selective Mutism Is So Frustrating
Imagine you are with a group of people and desperately want to contribute to the conversation, but your vocal cords are paralysed and your mouth’s stapled shut. Then, imagine those people bombarding you with questions…
“Why don’t you speak?”
“Do you speak anywhere else?”
“Can you just say a letter… a number?”
“What does your voice sound like?”
This is just a fragment of my experience living with selective mutism, an anxiety disorder that leaves me unable to speak in certain situations.
It’s obvious that if you weren’t able to speak you would be frustrated, but if that’s not your reality you probably don’t realise how many things you take for granted in your daily life that are almost impossible for people who have selective mutism. There are so many things you do in your daily life that people who have selective mutism dream of being able to do, but those things feel so out of reach. I wanted to write this to give a little insight into how frustrating having selective mutism is, maybe sharing my own experience will help others have a better understanding?
One thing that frustrates me a lot is when people ask me “why don’t you speak?” as if they think I’m going to be able to answer them. People used to ask me this a lot, even people who had known me for years. They had never once heard me speak in the years they had known me but somehow expected me to speak to answer their questions? This dynamic is so frustrating because I can’t speak but I also can’t explain why I can’t speak. Lots of people assume that people who have selective mutism are rude because they perceive us as being reluctant to speak, which isn’t the case; I desperately want to speak. I can’t really be that angry at those people though as they probably don’t know any better as there is not enough awareness of selective mutism. Most of my frustration is at my selective mutism (how it makes everything difficult). I wish there was more awareness, acceptance, and understanding of selective mutism.
Another frustrating aspect of selective mutism is when I’m with a group of people and they are all talking to eachother. I desperately want to contribute, add something useful in a discussion, or make a joke in a casual conversation. Whichever social situation it is, I know what I want to reply to someone with, but the words are stuck in my throat and locked up in my mind. I feel like I’m on the outside looking in, like an invisible ghost. I feel like I’m watching the world through a dirty, clouded-up window. Honestly, I feel that much like an alien that sometimes I doubt whether I’m a real person.
Recently, I realised that people don’t know the real me. People have no idea about my interests, they don’t even know what my personality is like because I can’t fully express myself. People assume that I am a shy person, but believe it or not if I could speak I would be the loudest person in every room. I can’t speak to people, I can’t tell them anything about me. The saddest thing is most people who have met me only know me as ‘the girl who doesn’t speak’ but I know that I am more than that. I have my own interests. I have my own likes and dislikes. I have my own personality. I am a human being just like anyone else. And I am most definitely more than my selective mutism.